Choosing a date of the week for example, in which she will be the one to request it. Shes my buddy. Remember what you felt, believed, and why. First, do not deny your needs any more than you would deny yourself your favorite food, movie, book or music. Indifferent withholders like my wife NEVER get better and their partners either leave or become bitter! I miss the sex, but I miss even more holding her in my arms snuggling with her just touching her maybe copping a feel she sexy. We know right form wrong. I finally became frustrated with being turned down and just waited for her to initiate sex. No one is talking about men who dont want to have sex. My wife and I are in our 60s, very active and in good health. She would be lost. Without going into details - I am 100% certain that it was satisfying for both of us. You may be ok with the situation youve created.. thats one thing, but to act as though youre merely tolerating the situation as a martyr is pure BS. As a matter of fact, if shes not enjoying herself, I stop. She would still complain of pain. I think Im in love and theres no turning back. I am a 58 year old woman. You say you dont know if youre doing foreplay right. I spent 36 years with a man who I was never good enough for and now in a relationship with a man who loves me and is so kind. Thank you for recognizing a very very bad situation and trying to remedy. But. What to do about it: Address the ongoing conflicts in your relationship. My wife and I are in our 60s, very active and in good health. With a lot of talk and communication, we have made peace with our sex life. Good points you made for sure. If you have gone through months or years of being patient with your wife and still arent feeling physically connected, it may be time for, Are You Ready to Start Dating Again Ask Yourself These 5 Questions, Research shows that women who had a positive view of themselves, reported higher levels of intimate encounters, 30 Foreplay Ideas That Will Surely Spice up Your Sex Life, This can be difficult since, statistically, couples are, to talk about sexual matters the same way they would other conflicts, such as children or finances. Could it be that your wife avoids intimacy and shuns the idea of making love? Suggest to her that she will have control of the situation. So around our house it is whispered, why is he mad? How about finding self-worth in volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen? Behind heart broken!!! He is suffering from a mental health issue. Most stay in the marriage because of kids and the men cheat as they should. So I know him well, this is extremely painful and heartbreaking. aids that i bought. I actually considered early in my marriage that my husband might lean toward being gay and thats why he was somewhat uncomfortable having sex with me. Your story is very very simular to mine. Shes always saying how bad she feels about it but but never offers to do anything. Why would anyone want to have sex with your pessimistic, crotchety, excuse-ridden ass? That had bee. Technology is at an amazing point for this right now. So to the Men out there (here) complaining about their sexless marriagesMove On! One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. This went on for years. BTWsome in your wifes position build great insurmountable resentment. A husband must shoehorn that sex drive into the confines of marriage, where only his wife can accommodate it. Engage in thought-provoking discussions, make new friends, and share resources all on a safe and ad-free platform. What do you think a man can do and should do in these cases ??? In most cases, Ive seen that when one partner is depressed, after a period of time, the other starts to feel depressed as well. Its ridiculous. We must have sex or blow up, not a choice. I found a wonderful woman gynecologist, and she put me on low dose hormone therapy. This is the best I have read. Get your answer. That partner depriving you of that intimacy does not give a damn what you do just as long as you do not bother them about it or it interferes with their favorite TV show! That was almost 50 years ago, I dont live in he house with her. Its not as rosy on our side of the fence, when you really look into it. Men provide protection, stability, and resources. Because I have no suggestions as to how to change things. Counseling is usually the way out but unfortunately most people in a relationship dont want to go that route (or at least one of them doesnt). It also says that we are to make our bodies our patents, not ours. So all women who married men and saw this first hand, from 14 to 80. Between her legs the next time.4, stop watching porn if you know this makes her feel uncomfortable as we all know when men watch porn that will lead into you not being able to get it up for her because you have been watching photoshops porn and all you want is that fake lady so you go out and cheat on your wife then come home and accuse her of cheating and thats why she is not having sex with you. Not once does he try to get her off, he just rolls over and goes to sleep. Christi do us a favor and explain what you are talking about. However, some comments are not welcome here as violations of our Comment Policy. If a couple's sex life continues to follow a routine that doesn't tend to feel good for the woman, she may lose interest in having sex entirely. I had a few clients who had a baby and found it difficult to start getting physically intimate with their spouses again because theyre not comfortable with their bodies, says Gopa. What shes done to me all these years was downright evil ! But you cant fix a problem if you dont know the cause. Oh, and me driving the car, she has panic attacks and asks I dont drive. Still in love with Vicky. She told me that women need estrogen their whole lives, not just up to menopause. With kids and work schedules, it can unfortunately become easy to put date night on the back burner, but there are plenty of reasons to make it a priority in your week. . Marriage is a dream or a fantasy. Really connect. And pressure is a total libido killer that can set off a cycle of sexual avoidance, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A. I just dont understand. **The husband has NO right to sex, or anything else. Im in the same situation with my overweight, lazy, 48 year old wife. Whatever the case, do your best and work with your wife to restore that spark in your marriage. Here are some things that you can try if you want to get intimate with your spouse. Tired of initiating intimacy? I am not happy at not having anymore sex in my life at age 64, but I do care for her and she does care for me, not in the sexual way of course. Think back to the time when you were dating. Many men and most women are connected through sexual intimacy. When we first met, we had sex 2X a day morning and night. You can gently bring up that you want to keep prioritizing your sex life together so your wife understands how you feel and so you can mutually find ways to work on this part of your lives while still being sensitive to her struggles. There are ways to maintain physical intimacy while someone undergoes treatment for ED. You talk about your wife not being in the mood. Thats an elusive state when were not driven by our hormones. Im 15 years younger than my husband. In my experience as a marriage counselor, Ive seen that men can have an argument with their wives the whole day and romance their partner in the end. That killed it for me. Fundamentally, it comes down to 3 choices: leave, cheat, or suffer. And perhaps. oh when either of leave the house or return there is a generic kiss. Also add to the equation what is another possibility here: sexual coercion. I have been a loyal affectionate hard working husband ( I would say that!) If he wont go, go on your own to express your feelings fully and evaluate whether you want to be in this marriage and, if so, what can be done to improve it. My beliefs are that I cannot step outside my marriage and commitment and it cost me some very good relationships with other women. But dont give up! She has the house and I have my private place seperate from the main house. I think he wanted to stay in his marriagemainly I think b/c his wife earns well (makes more money than him). But, here we are with 13 grandchildren from the strong marriages of our 9 surviving children. It took many years and visits to a lot of therapists to find out why I couldnt perform sexually with my wife during our 30 year marriage. I read the frustration and despair in your story and I thank you for being willing to share it here. I have been married for almost 30 years and except for 3 wonderful children our sex life has been hit and miss. I cannot take any form of estrogen and I literally have lost all desire. Work and motherhood can be overwhelming, so instead of asking her for sex at the end of the day when youre both exhausted, start planning for it. How should I phrase it? If she senses youre blaming her for something, shell go on the defensive. Im Maried for 5 years and from one year until now my wife change completely like a different person she don't let me hold her hands or touch her or kiss her and sex more than 6 months that she don't have sex with me I asked her if she don't love me anymore and she say that she love me and I asked her why she's doing you know all the . He is a kind man and I love him. Yeah, wrinkles and less hair (me), but sex is as good as ever! I have tried everything too, to no avail, things only get worse, not better. Not addressing the problem out of fear of confrontation will only make matters worse. I havent found a way to replace that feeling of a man. Of course mine wont go to a therapist no matter what so apparently the problem will persist. At least the replies here seem to reflect this, noting that the opposite can and does happen. Then menopause dried it out and the muscles resist and joints spasm, so its painful. Sex is over. I literally want sex daily and extremely sleep deprived because many nights I am rock hard all night long. Im affectionate and do everything, but Im tired So I turn to porn and search things that include wife. And thats where I get my relief. Always happy to help. Better than NO sex of any sort for 10+ years, and being rediculed for masturbating. He already said she feels bad for him so she is aware of the problem. Genuinely compliment your wife and make her feel sexy again. Q: My wife, late 40s, has been experiencing early menopause for a couple of years. Together we have seen a number of therapists with not much luck but felt I owed it to her to try and fix things. And everyone under his authority flourishes. It is more than frustrating it is emotionally and physically painful. BIG mistake. So maybe try treating he how you did when first met. 1. If divorce is not an option then get involved outside the home. As someone who has now gone over 6 years without any contact more intimate than a hug I can tell you it is a relationship killer. Around year 3 it was 1x week and that lasted another 5 when it became about 1x a week. I am in this marriage til death do us part but I feel like Im missing something very big in my life. A marriage I have no interest in ending, ever. I desire foreplay and intimacy, not just intercourse. I had to fend for myself, and I could have done that before we were married. Plus, a lack of communication might have created this distance. Why would he ever have too? After my wife lost interest, I told her that we either opened our marriage or divorced. I did some self searching and recognized that the marriage had been one of convenience and the love wasnt there for me. Its not all about sex its about intimacy, and that is missing. Sadly that BIG thing was Give Up Sex and just get over it. Please explain to me. EXACTLY!!! I said no. We are both quite healthy but she has little interesting sex now. I told her that I did not want that, That I only wanted her but she said she loves me but has no sexual feelings, it is slowly destroying me and I do not know what to do, she refuses to talk about it, will not spoon in bed and pulls away from any hug. I guarantee most who do this will start feeling like a sex machine. Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. 8 reasons why your wife never initiates intimacy, 5 things to do if your wife never initiates intimacy, My wife never wants to have sex 8 ways to initiate intimacy, 15 Things A Woman Can Do to Spice Up the Bedroom, How to Have Better Sex in a Marriage: 20 Helpful Tips, 30+ Best Sex Tips for Women That Drive Men Crazy, 30 Hot Sex Games for Couples to Play Tonight, 10 Helpful Tips if Youre Tired of Initiating Intimacy, 5 Benefits of Maintenance Sex for Relationships and Marriage, How Physical Relationship Before Marriage Affects Your Relationship, How Relationship Coaching for Men Can Transform Your Love, 30 Traditional and Modern Anniversary Gifts Year by Year, Relationship Bullying: Meaning, Signs and What to Do, 100 Romantic and Funny Questions to Ask Your Husband, Top 100 Wedding Registry Ideas That Can Make You Happy, 100+ Inspirational Womens Day Messages for Your Wife, 50 Fun Things For Couples To Do At Home When Bored, 100 Best International Womens Day Quotes for Your Lady, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, Sexless Marriage: Reasons, Effects & Tips To Deal With It, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. Why do men who want more sex end up insulting someone who has a pet? I suggested just me doing him and he close his eyes and touch me nope. She believes relationships should be easyand that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. Not fun! If his wife doesn't want to meet those needs, she should support him getting them met elsewhere or just set him free . I felt rejected at times, but I learned that what postpartum moms go through physically and emotionally is intense. It may be helpful for her to speak with her doctor about her struggles with libido, if relevant, to see if an adjustment in her treatment plan may help. Here are some foreplay ideas for inspo. Thats it, you said it thats what the woman loves. Hasnt been for 15 years. My wife stop having sex with me its been 8 months. She even said to me that I should leave if I am not happy, she prefers that I do not, but basically what she is saying is that if I want to stay, this is the way its going to be. I hope that she too will woo me, always, as well. I realize that I really dont know your reasons for not wanting to be sexual with me whether it hurts you, or theres something Im doing or not doing. Then ask them what they are willing to do about it once and for all. I am now dating a man in his 60s, I also am in my 60s and he cant get erection so he shut down any sexual contact and I am dieing for a sexual relationship. Outwardly to friends he seems a good husband, and he is BUT he will not have sex as he dies not fancy me anymore! I understand all the reasons she doesnt want sex except one, if she actually loves me wouldnt there be some effort? She like others doesnt want intimacy or sex, which I could deal with for the most part but then she makes remarks about me masturbating or watching porn. Even with all the gadgets and hired help, modern women have a lot on their plate. For many of us who have exhausted talking to our partners, asking to have their normal needs met, to be loved and shown love and to be valued and desired but have been met with silence, stares, okay, not interested, I am not in the mood or sleeping in separate rooms, your partner has betrayed your trust and your marriage with emotional and sexual blackmail. We all deserve to be held, to be touched, to be told and shown we are desired and needed for far more than cleaning a house, fixing a meal or providing a paycheck. Absolute rubbish! Maybe it will make a difference, good luck. So I cheat. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? So to many they think Im faking it. My wife has no desire for . The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. Since abstinence for so long Im wondering what will happen if a woman takes an interest in a 70-year-old man. Its all about the woman needs not the man. You have grown as a human being . Been in sexless marriage for 45 years! I remember when certain words did the trick. I never signed up to be married and not getting sex. What about the emotional security of being held while you sleep? But after putting off marriage until I was 40 it too became sexless right after the wedding. Id like to hear how you feel. Its always whatever you want then she lays there kind of tense. My shower massagers has gotten me through years but it never will replace that hard feeling down inside me that I long for, yet believe now I will never feel again and Im only in my 50s. He wanted to break the monotony in the relationship, but she simply wouldnt open up. Should I let him go elsewhere? Is it so horrible for me to want to passionately kiss her if it doesnt even lead to sex? I sure want too. I thought during the first couple of years of our marriage that I was imagining this but I now realize I wasnt (since he recently stated how we werent trying to procreate any longer, so why bother with sex.). I do not understand why they got married in the first place!!! I really miss the intimacy we used to have when we were sexual. mine forgot my birthday this year (it is 2 days before his lol) and our wedding anniversary : ( I can not compete with his online game omg he plays 24-7 so I can relate to your problem with your wife choosing the phone over you thats cold. My spouse of 40 years has no lnterest ln sex ,he does not touch me exsept when on the couch he puts his leg over mine and hugs me before we go to bed as l have scoliosis and need to sleep ln a diff bed we go to places together and we get along he says lt is his prostate which the Dr confirmed but l feel lf he really wanted to he could he says after an o lt bothers him ,l love him,but feel he ls angry at me for stupid mistakes l made in the past not cheating but as cracked up our car ,l just want to feel loved,he bought me flowers for mothers day but l bitched as. If so, it could be that the side effects of her depression, or even the medication she is on to treat it, are lowering her libido. I have a consulting business in devlopment now, because Social Security isnt enough to save money. So Im frustrated as hell, but I love her and wont cheat on her no matter what. If your wife is going to have any appropriate romance in her life, its going to come from you. Hi Christi, the best thing about this article is the comment section! Hello Hawkeye Plus, a lack of communication might have created this distance. I would walk a mile in this mans shoes before I offer advice. I read this with interest. That can happen because of a lack of communication, a lack of understanding or just misinterpreting what their spouse is thinking. Here are the 15 most probable reasons behind your wifes lack of interest in intimacy. Needless to say, both of us are feeling a renewed awareness of who we were and now are. We have been together since the 80s and there is No ONE else I want to be with. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that your wife isn't sexually aroused by being treated well. We have not slept in the same room for years because of his snoring. An emotional affair or even a one-night stand that you think your wife doesnt know about? If it were just about sex, I wouldve left a long time ago. I think it was a relief for him because he was not much into sex. Right. They need not be. But if its truly my duty.. She had here ovaries removed due to cancer risk, after sex was painful and pussy all dried up, tried lubes and no luck and still painful when my rock hard penis went in her sweet pussy. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. But the giving up on relationship and each other is what happens. I demonstrate my love for her in so many ways, little notes, letters, flowers messages in song, other women including young women I work with say they would love to have someone who loves and respects their partner and relationship like I do. No love no sex. Being refused is an essential part of the life of a person who is proactive in getting his or her wants met. I find that unfathomable. Are you in a similar place in your relationship? I have always loved sex with my hubby, but after menopause, that all changed for the worse. (Note to women reading this thread: though the accepted wisdom is women love big penises, Ive found in my experience that its certainly not universal. If there's no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and you've realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobology's panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. that is all there is. The sooner you understand what it is youre going through, the quicker youll be able to address it. I became completely numb to anything. . There is a limit to everything and this crosses that line. Its maddening! If your wife is going to have any appropriate romance in her life, its going to come from you. Are there any people at all who have actually solved this any other way apart from no more proper sex or divorce? Unfortunately the one thing that was supposed to save civilization was the internet. Weve been in counseling for a year. Laura. As Gopa points out, the reasons can stem from resentment to communication gaps or personal issues. The Bible says to not deny one another because it leads to stumbling. I dont clean enough, cook enough, keep on top of appointments, follow his assignments since youre retired now, you can do and I get assignments. She basically views it as an immature fixation and that as a married man I should concentrate on more important things. She chose to be sexless, so now she has another choice to make. You need to talk to her and get to the root of whats causing her panic and anxiety whenever she gets close to you; when she feels comfortable and that whatever major issue there is, gets resolved, maybe your sex life will return. She never apologized. See all of Joans advice in Sex@Our Age. Run why stay? I dont have a problem with a sexless marriage, in fact I created it in our marriage. Your wife never initiates physical contact - Sex feels like a chore Is your mind saying - "my wife loves me but is not sexually attracted to me?" Your wife never initiates physical contact and she does not seem excited by that idea either. That leads to no communication and uselessness. Addie,maybe we should trade spouses.lol.im in the same boat you are.i love to get intamate and hug and kiss and cuddle.my wife 0.unreal.she told me the other day she dont even like sex anymore after we had it.how nice to say that.unreal. You work, cook, clean, fix, dont drink or do drugs! And I love doggie! Either something happened that made her feel that way or shes lying. Is it honestly your right to be given sex however your wife can give it? We have tried everything ( I mean everything ) but nothing seems to work and Im getting desperate! Why, in a relationship, is Sex so bloody important? Although she initially helped with my toddlers, she eventually lost interest and helped only occasionally. Be the man who won her heart! etc. I have come to that conclusion also. Does your wife struggle with self-love? Havent had regular sex in years, just a HJ or BJ on 8 or 9 month intervals typically. 5 minutes of his time now and again isnt much to ask! She told me years ago that weve had all the kids were going to have, whats the point?. Im at a loss for words. Expert Lists 13 Reasons, 43 Romantic Date Night Ideas For Married Couples, 44 Unique Birthday Wishes For Husband To Convey Your Love, 33 Most Romantic Things To Do For Your Wife, The Best 51 Anniversary Wishes For Husband, 6 Facts That Sum Up The Purpose Of Marriage. Please enable JavaScript to view the comments powered by Disqus. That doesnt mean you should not try, but know when trying is of no use. Been married 20 years . The wife was boring and I had to follow so many rules and regulations when it came to sleeping and sex together. We just share our acerage, her in the house and I have a place with my dettached out building. "Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person's desire to have sex with their partner," psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes at mbg. Both 39 years oldI just suffer in silence. Im throwing my partner out the door due to his rants and anger over lack of sex. I would love to be greeted with a smile, a cuddle a thoughtful touch but nothing. Im 87 years young and my vibrator is busy. There are many reasons for vaginal pain, if indeed thats what shes experiencing, and getting the right medical help is essential. I bet if a man did ever6a woman does in one day he would not bitch about sex he would pass out. I have no idea what to do. */ interested in sex as they grow older but I find that to be true of men as well at least in the case of my husband! When you first met her you were in an OTHER zone. I honestly dont know what happens to men as they age. Dont you dare accuse all men of being selfish and unhelpful. Two lovers need boundaries to choose their path. Hormonal therapy can give you cancer, stroke. My husband and I both have gained weight. I hope the partner didnt expect to share the celibacy. Additionally, she should see an endocrinologist who can check her thyroid. Im 54 and my husband and I enjoy each others company but he does not want to engage in physical affection or intimacy. We still talk, but thats it. And yeah I can pleasure myself, but that will never be like the real thing. The precursor for any affair is emotional intimacy, says Gopa. Your husband, not even talking to you must be so hard on your self esteem. His experiences have taught him that being an honest friend who communicates well and giving importance to self-love can go a long way in maintaining loving relationships.